Aromantic – everything important about the topic

aromantic

People who are aromantic (aro for short) feel no, little, intermittent and / or romantic attraction to other people only under certain circumstances. Aromantic here refers to a spectrum that describes different life realities and experiences. The opposite of aromantic is alloromantic: people who generally feel romantic attraction without restrictions, i.e., fall in love, enter into relationships, etc., are alloromantic.

romantic attraction

Romantic attraction is difficult to define, but one attempt might be the following: The presence of feelings of infatuation, crushes, and/or the need to have a romantic relationship with one or more people and/or the need to engage in romantic activities with others. What is defined as “romantic” may be subjective and may vary from person to person. In our culture, this would include kissing, holding hands, cuddling, doing activities together (dating), planning a future together, taking on responsibilities together (e.g., starting a family), sharing a home, getting married, etc.

Amatonormativity

The social assumption that every person must have a central, amorous, monogamous, and long-term relationship in order to be complete and happy in life. The norm also states that romantic relationships are more important than friendships. Thus, single (also: non-partnering) people are discriminated against because they are permanently made to feel that they are missing something important in life and that their singlehood is only temporary. Structural discrimination is reflected in the fact that, for example, state marriage brings financial advantages and other forms of relationships do not provide any legal protection.

a*spec

A spectrum of different aromantic and asexual identities that fall under these umbrella terms (also: umbrella terms / terms). People can describe both their romantic and sexual identities as aspec if they are not separate from each other and / or do not need to be specified.

Aro-Ace

also: aromantic-asexual. A label for individuals who are on both the asexual and aromantic spectrum. Individuals who are aroace may or may not experience other forms of attraction, such as platonic, sensual, or aesthetic.

aegoromantic: Feeling romantic desire without the need to act on it; romance is sometimes perceived as interesting or beautiful, but one does not want to enter into a relationship.

aroflux: fluid, changing sensation of romantic attraction

demiromantic: romantic attraction forms only once an otherwise intense emotional bond has been established

cupioromantic: romantic attraction is usually not felt, but person gladly enters into relationships

aplatonic: Non-perception of friendly attraction

frayromantic: romantic attraction for people you hardly know; disappears as soon as you form a closer bond with the person

greyromantic: Attraction with “shades of gray” that can come and go according to certain rules or preconditions; can be umbrella term, but also concrete label

lithromantic: Feeling of romantic attraction with desire that it is not reciprocated; may disappear as soon as it is reciprocated

loveless aro: Sensation of detachment from the concept of love (even non-romantic), rejection of the concept and/or feeling of love, and/or uncertainty about whether love is felt

oriented/angled aroace: Feeling one or more forms of attraction which are not romantic and sexual

quoiromantic: also: WTF-romantic; inability to distinguish romantic from platonic attraction

reciproromantic: Romantic attraction only builds up as soon as person(s) express interest in one another

sexual: Attraction based on an interest or need to have physically intimate contact with one or more people; a sexual crush is also called a smush.

aesthetic: Attraction based on positively perceived external features; an aesthetic crush on a person, is also called a swish.

tertiary: Umbrella term for alternative forms of attraction besides romantic and sexual, see also angled / oriented aro.

familial: Attraction, which includes sibling and parental feelings for others, need not be limited to the family of origin.

sensual: sensual, non-sexual attraction based on the need to be close to people, e.g. by holding hands, kissing, cuddling; a sensual crush is also called a lush.

platonic: friendly attraction based on sympathy; usually (but not always) without romantic and sexual attraction; a platonic crush is also called a squish.

Ethic non-monogamy: An umbrella term for relationships or the need for relationships with more than one partner. Consensus among all participants, open communication, and respect for the boundaries and needs of all are essential.

Polyamory: The management of several partnership relationships. In this context, certain relationships can be prioritized, for example, by the amount of time spent with the person, the assumption of joint responsibility, or certain labels (relationship hierarchy). Some aromantic individuals prefer to use the terms polyplatonic or polyaffectionate for this. Polyplatonic relationships are explicitly non-romantic and/or non-sexual.

Relationship anarchy: A subform of polyamory. Here, all relationships should be of equal value and treated equally. Subjective cultural norms and expectations of what is and is not allowed in a relationship are explicitly rejected, so that each relationship can develop dynamically and (at best) without social expectations and restrictions.

Chosen/Found Family: A group of people who, because of emotional closeness, consciously choose to adopt family structures of security, care, and support for one another, even though these people are not biologically or legally related.

Aromate: A friend who fulfills the role of a non-romantic soulmate.

non-partnering: Persons who do not enter into partnerships.

Paramour: A friend with whom one has a sexually intimate relationship. Similar to friends with benefits.

Soft Romo: A relationship that lies between friendship and QPR. This leaves room for romantic attraction of romance-inclined aros or aromantic individuals whose romantic identity fluctuates.

Queerplatonic Relationship (QPR): A solid, non-romantic connection of people that goes beyond the subjective social framework for relationships. The behavior and intimacy of queer platonic partners (QPP, sometimes called zucchini) with each other often do not meet the norms and expectations placed on relationships. QPR may or may not contain sexual and romantic connotations.

Wavership: A relationship that is fluid and moves between different relationship forms. This may depend on the time and resources that can be invested in the relationship and/or changing feelings and needs due to changing romantic, sexual or gender identities.

Allonormativity
The assumption that all people are alloromantic (and by implication, allosexual, not asexual). This expectation is constructed as “normal”. Allonormativity is also reproduced in queer communities, for example with the slogan “Love is love”. Romance is presented here as omnipresent, inescapable, and often as the meaning of life for every human being, although this does not apply to many aro (and even alloromantic) people.

Singlism
The stigmatization of all people who are single. This also affects alloromantic people who do not want a relationship or are without a partner for other reasons. In many countries, singleness puts unmarried people at a particular disadvantage, for example when looking for housing or they are denied financial benefits. This is also accompanied by a social-cultural dimension: singles are often met with disbelief that they can be happy without a partner.

Invisibility or erasure
The lack of awareness of aromatics in society. This can happen intentionally or unintentionally. Most often, aro people and identities are made invisible by non-naming and non-inclusion. This can happen through:

• Existing norms (e.g., expecting children to have a partner later).
• lack of education (e.g. at schools) and
• lack of representation of alternative identities in media (e.g. a happy ending in a romcom is usually defined by a person getting together with a partner).

Queer speechlessness
The failure to have appropriate words to describe aro identity. Aros and other queer people are often accused of completely overdoing it with new “redundant” words, and that too many specific terms for different experiences will only further divide the queer community. This perception stems from the privilege that existing words are already all-encompassing and accurate in describing one’s life reality. Aros generally do not have this privilege (nor, for that matter, do they demand that everyone know every microlabel and all forms of attraction).

Trivializing the experience of discrimination
Similar to people affected by other forms of discrimination, aros often find themselves in the position of having to continually explain and justify the inequality they experience. However, discrimination as such is also subjectively defined; what one aro person perceives as discriminatory may be uninformative to another, but not actively harmful. At the same time, naming aro-hostile statements and behaviors is not, after all, meant to deny other socially marginalized people the reality of their own lives. It is not about who has it “worst”. The playing out of this assumption is also called Oppression Olympics.

“Passing” Priviledges
“Passing” in queer and non-queer contexts refers to reading a person as part of a more socially privileged group (e.g., heterosexual rather than homosexual) and thus not associating them with stereotypes ascribed to a more marginalized group. Thus, with aromanticism, it would be the case that aro individuals are read as heteroromantic when they are not. This is accompanied by the assumption that hetero passing persons on the aro spectrum would experience less aro hostile discrimination. In truth, it is quite unlikely that the invisibility of one’s queer identity will always protect one from violent attributions or expectations. Rather, it pushes aro people further and further back into the closet, makes coming out more difficult, and stokes fears that constant invasive questions (e.g., family asking why you still haven’t found a partner by the time you’re 30) will eventually make you come out, even though you may not be ready (yet).

Gatekeeping
As a person on the aromantic (and also asexual) spectrum, one more often hears the statement that the A in LGBTQIA+ would stand for “ally,” allies who are not queer but are still committed to equal rights for queer people. Aside from the fact that the A in the acronym can stand for multiple terms (e.g., asexual, aromantic, agender), there needs to be room for aromantic in queer contexts. Due to the chronic invisibility of the label, it seems to be something new for many queer people, so it is met with incomprehension, which then results in gatekeeping. In the process, aromanticism is seen as “not queer enough,” especially when those affected are endo, cis, and heterosexual.

Dehumanizing
By social norms such as amato- and allonormativity, being human is often defined by the ability to feel (romantic) love. This manifests itself primarily in conversations between aromantic and alloromantic people, with the latter perceiving aros as emotionally cold, calculating, broken, or fundamentally incomplete. This dehumanization hurts especially when allosexual aro people are in relationships and, after coming out, are accused of only taking advantage of their partner(s). However, what makes us human is a philosophically profound topic, which should leave a lot of room for different perceptions and realities of life.

Paternalism
Since aromanticism is largely invisible and unknown, typical reactions to coming out are sometimes well-intentioned but often invalidating. Even when alloromantic individuals do not reject the concept per se and are open to new perspectives, one very often hears the statement, “You’re bound to find the right one!” For many Aros, however, there is no such thing as “the right one.” Being single should not be considered pitiful, even for alloromantic people! Other well-intentioned, but also insensitive, advice can include dating tips or pep talk about how after every period of being single, there comes a time when people enter into a fulfilling, romantic relationship.

Pathologization
Although asexuality has been (and in some cases still is) often pathologized in history, this also happens with aromanticism. Especially in psychotherapy, there is a lack of awareness of this queer identity. Therapists are at best overwhelmed and at worst actively trying to deny clients their aro identity and see it as healing if they do eventually enter into relationships. Another aspect would be the shifting of the aro identity to supposed personality disorders (e.g. borderline and narcissism) or to the presence of emotional or sexual traumas. Of course, it may be that fluctuating romantic attraction is sometimes a manifestation of trauma, psychological problems, or neurodivergence, but this is far from true for every aro person.